"We come alive after dark, we tripped on Hollywood stars. These nights take me to places that I want to stay, and right now I feel taken by the thought of you in LA."
Going to LA for college was my biggest priority I had in high school. Four years ago, I visited USC and UCLA with this hunger in my heart. At the time, I had just started recording my first album, Chronicle, and the creative juices inside me were pumping. I wanted nothing more than to be in LA, writing music in the sunshine, constantly inspired. But, that didn't happen. Even after flying to LA three times during my senior year, auditioning at USC and recording a demo song, I didn't get into my dream songwriting program. I got into UCLA, but at the end of the day, making the trek to California was too expensive and too far. So I settled in at UVA, not knowing at the time that it was the perfect decision, and I saved LA for another part of my life.
I've been living in LA now for about eight weeks, and it hasn't quite been like that fairytale land I thought it was in high school. A lot has happened to me since then, and I've changed considerably as both a person and a musician. I no longer have a desire to "make it" as a songwriter, instead realizing that I want to play a role behind the scenes, out of the spotlight. I also came to LA straight from 4 months in New Zealand, completely crossing over the physical and figurative worlds and cultures that separate rural, wholesome NZ from the shiny glitz and glam of LA. To be completely honest, my time here has been defined by struggle in all forms - physically, mentally, and emotionally. For some reason, I have been so sensitive to the struggles and inconveniences that come from being an outsider in an iconic place, a place that seems to depend so much on who you are socially and what you do for a living, a place that is actually as wholesome and supportive as NZ or Charlottesville once you peel back the layer of effort that everyone exudes with a false confidence. People have told me again and again that in LA, you just need to find your people, and you will shine. And I feel like that's true everywhere. However, I've glorified LA since I was 18, constantly wanting it in the midst of its rejection towards me. But now that I've been here, and I've walked the streets and perfected the public transit, I've realized that it's a place just like anywhere else. My sensitivity, I've learned, isn't LA's fault; instead, it stems from my underlying realization that it's not really the place I thought it was when I was younger, when I was eager to get out of Charlottesville forever.
So what has it taught me?
- It's not a great city to live in if you don't have a car.
- Exclusive clubs with promoters are fun, but intimate gatherings at bars or wine nights at home with your friends are way more fun.
- Everyone is trying to do the exact same thing you're trying to do.
- Everyone is an "actor."
- Don't trust reality shows that glamorize or paint LA in an unattainable light. There is something here for everyone, and you don't have to live in Beverly Hills to have a good, rewarding life.
But in all seriousness, LA has taught me a lot about myself in such a short time. It's opened my eyes a lot to the ways I deal with things, has made me more aware of my sensitivity and has inspired me to tell people how I really feel if I'm uncomfortable or mad or annoyed. Like I mentioned earlier, I've been so guilty of taking every hard moment or minor inconvenience I've experienced here and turning into a huge, painful ordeal. I really don't understand why I feel things so much. Shopping at the grocery store, missing the bus, trying to navigate the public transport system - it all gave me so much anxiety and fear and tension. But I guess that's just a new, big city for you. Coming to LA, I only knew two other people from my hometown who I was not close with. The girls I lived with loved to party and go out, and I didn't mesh with them at first. So I came into LA completely alone, having just lived out my wildest dreams across the world, unsure and timid and extremely nervous. I don't think that tense side of myself ever went away, even after I made amazing friends and finally learned how to get along with, and even become friends with, my roommates.
Looking back on all this and reading back on this post, I've learned that this is all just a huge part of growing and changing into the adult I'm supposed to be. It didn't matter if it was LA or San Francisco or even Richmond, I would still be overly sensitive and scared and timid and unsure of myself. I don't know how long it takes to get over all that, because I still haven't, even after living here for two months. Maybe it was the fact that my time here wasn't permanent, that there was a plane ticket waiting for me to go home at the end of the trip. Because of that glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel, I was always itching and waiting for that moment to come. For me, it takes the realization that I'm stuck in a place for a while for me to really embrace and enjoy that place and make it my own. And I just don't think I can do that with LA just yet.
I'm so grateful for the experiences I've had here, and I know that I'll be coming back here after I graduate because deep inside me, that 18-year old Virginia is still there, in awe of the weather and the ocean and the opportunity that lies within the roads and places of this city. I know that this is the only place I want to be, and the only place I know I should be, if I want to achieve what I want to achieve. It's just some growing pains I struggle with, as I continually find myself shifting and changing my mindset to make room for some more experiences. I know I still have a lot of them yet to come.
Love,
Virg
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